The History of the Mighty Kern River.

The Beginning…

October 13th, 1890 on a dark and stormy night, founder’s Peter Schermerhorn Johnson and Alphonse Derwin Stillman sat comfortably in their cigar scented leather armchairs each sipping a snifter of Brandy. They were reflecting upon what they thought would be his greatest accomplishment and the most meaningful day their existence, the founding of the Delta Chi Fraternity at Cornell University. Little did either know that the greatest adventure of their lives lie ahead in discovery of the mighty Kern River!

In the summer of 1891 Pete and Al were feeling the pressures of maintaining their IFC leading GPA of 1.92. They needed to lead the chapter on a rejuvenating experience to prepare them for the coming academic year. Peter had a dream one night of glorious mountains, an untamed river, beautiful naked goddesses, and a chance to prove his worth. This dream was in the west, and he knew it had to be followed.

Labor Day weekend had just been invented and was only a month away. Pete and Al knew that this was their time to follow the dream and make it in to a reality. They packed the wagons with barley sodas, beef strips, and a handful of pledges. Setting out into the sunset they had formed a pact that nothing would stop them until they reach the land of their dreams.

The journey was long one and not without its casualties. Pledge Jedidiah was the first loss of the caravan when he was gored by a vicious were-rabbit as he was sent on a barley soda run. A nasty splinter impaled Pledge D. Crocket as he performed his wagon cleaning duties wearing his raccoon hat. By this time the band of brother had reached Long Beach, California and was wondering if this land was just a dream.

Good fortune was upon them when Johnny McNally had ventured across their path. Peter and Al told Johnny of their dream and had asked him if he knew where this land was, Johnny knew, oh yes (dramatic pause) Johnny knew. He elaborated of a glorious mountain, an untamed river, and beautiful naked goddesses as far as the eye could see. He just purchased the land and had erected an out house for his excreting pleasures.. This was more than the Delta Chi’s could of ever hoped for.

Johnny led them on a path up route 5 to the 99 to the 178. They made a left in the town of Kernville and followed the road to Johnny’s out house. One mile south of Johnny McNally’s outhouse they had set up camp. THEY HAD FOUND HOME, THEY HAD FOUND THE MIGHTY KERN RIVER.

It was everything that Peter had dreamed of. Goddesses were there to address their every whim. The river was mighty and the mountain was glorious. He knew that it was time to take the original band of eleven and transverse the river’ s rapids. This was where they were to truly become men to become GODS!

Little else is know about the first trip of the KERNGODS. The pledges tended to camp as the Peter, Al, and the rest of the founders took off the wood wagon wheels and began their float down the river.. 11 Plops into the water; with the nectar of the gods around their necks these weary travelers set out to become men. The only thing we know for sure is that this is the night that Peter lost an eye to the river gods and was grateful to escape with his life. He had pledged that each year members of the Delta Chi Fraternity would return to this very spot and take the journey to immortality.

The founders had developed a grand plan to ensure that this tradition be upheld. In 1968 the long beach chapter of Delta Chi was founded. It was decided many years ago that since Long Beach is where they meet Johnny McNally that Long Beach would have the mightiest of all Delta Chi chapters. Only the bravest souls would be granted active status and then only the most courageous of those would make the trek to the mighty Kern River.

Brief history between 1891 and 1968:

The written record of these years is sparse. We have been able to surmise that the following events took place at the mighty Kern River.

During prohibition the Kern River became a smugglers run. Kegs of beer and whiskey would float down from Canada past the base camp for Delta Chi’ s. Every Labor Day weekend a few of these were donated to the gods of Kern. Quite a few more were liberated for the betterment of Delta Chi

When the Japanese surrendered in World War II General Macarthur sailed his aircraft carrier up the mighty Kern River and had the King of Japan brought to the Delta Chi Camp to surrender. This is the first year that we had Sake’ at Kern.

General Custard attempted to negotiate the surrender of Sitting Bull and his tribe.. The outcome was devastating and added to the death toll of the mighty Kern River. Only the Delta Chi’s were left alive as they shared their happy smoke with the tribe in peace pipes.

One year before Woodstock, the original hippy fest of Kern-stock took place. Newly initiated brothers John, Paul, Ringo and George performed for the Kerngods. This is the event that brought these four together and apparently that had a somewhat successful signing career.

Pledge B. Clinton wanted to experiment with marijuana, but after taking the first hit he decided not to inhale. Years later there was an incident with a blue dress…

Current history:

Since the founding of the Long Beach Chapter of Delta Chi, many men have become gods of Kern, none greater than the mighty Curtis Leber. Curt was a God among Gods, few know that he was actually born on the mighty Kern River at Calkin Flats. He was birthed from a wild wolf that had mated with a polar bear. For those of you that have meet Curt, you will remember that has savage temperament could only be quashed by 24 pack donations of PBR.

Brother Evans, Brother Greta, and Brother Mcque have each carved out their place in Kerngod history. These three heroes saved a group of Kern virgins that decided to camp a little to close to the bear cave. Through their drunken stupor they were able to call on the power of all Kerngods to have the strength to engage the mighty Grizzly that attacked the virgins. The only weapons that the Kerngods had were their quick wit and lighting fast bottle opener. They quickly threw a bottle of homemade lager to the Grizzly as a peace offering. The Grizzly looked at the three and sardonic smiled. It drank the lager and realized too late that this was a barley mixture only the gods of Kern were worthy of. He keeled over on the spot and still serves as the entry carpet for Brother Mcque’ s motor home. It is said that all young female Kern Virgins (we know there are no real virgins that go to Kern) must flash the brothers three for good luck and safe passage to the end of the river.

Brothers Barrett, Castillo, and Pledge Prill had set out on a solo river tour their first year at the mighty Kern River. The party of three became a party of two after discovering the widow maker waterfall. They found that only the bravest and most noble of men will make it over the falls. That is why the sent the pledge to test the falls while they sat on shore sipping strawberry flavored boonze. The last sounds that were heard from Pledge Prill were PLOP, FLOP, POP, whizzzzzzzz, girgle.. girgle and that was the end of Pledge Prill. Brothers Barrett and Castillo moved to ding the pledge at the next meeting due to lack of manhood. The motion passed unanimously.

The story of the mighty Kern continues to this day. Experience the mighty Kern first hand on Labor day weekend and join the GODS OF KERN!