Where to begin…..

ameba If this is your first Kern trip you will need to read this,
it could save you life as it saved mine

-Pledge Suka Wad

The Basics -

You must be able to answer these four questions at anytime! Those who can not are instantly flogged.

Q. When is Kern?
A. Every Labor Day Weekend.

Q. Where is Kern?
A One mile south of Johnny McNally’s

Q. What is Kern?
A. The most F***ing fun you will ever have

Q. Why is Kern?
A. Why the F*** NOT

What to expect:

Kern is more fun then an amusement park without the lines! You will get more sun then a dead beached whale (can you say Mary Ellen?) You will ingest more alcohol then is made at J.D’s Distillery. You will have an ass that is more sore than a 120 pound white guy in prison (from granite enemas you pervert). You will feel the blessing of the Gods as you sin like the devil. You will drink to friends old and new!

If you haven’t camped before you should fine someone who has and mooch. For further instruction on mooching please call Milton

Things that you need to bring:

This is camping, so let’s start with the obvious: BEER
Okay after the coolers have an ample stock of you favorite lager you should think of what you want to drink while floating down the river. Glass bottles are bad, cans okay, a bota bag filled with whisky and a smidgen of coke is ideal. Other popular combos include vodka and sprite, boxed wine and sprite, and vodka with fruit punch.

Okay, you now have everything that you NEED to survive at Kern; everything else can be bartered& It helps if you have boobies, (female is preferred, but once Greta is drunk any pair will do). Most campers bring extra food that they will gladly trade for a fine lager& A lager is not a can of Coors light or natural ice, these may get you a piece of chicken that have fallen in the sand next to the porter potty. I would recommend that you bring finer ales such as Samuel Smiths Oatmeal Stout or something that was bottled by Monks in another country… I have seen Men give away not only their T-bones, but girlfriends as an equal offering.
Stages of KERNGODS

There are 4 levels that all Kerngods will evolve through. You can usually tell what stage a Kerngod is in by the gear that accompanies him to Kern.

Amoeba Stage 1

An Amoeba is the most basic and lowest form of a Kerngod. To survive your first trip to Kern you need only the following:

  • Beer (can be used to barter for food)
  • TUBE (an absolute must) use 10×20 Truck Tire Inertude can be purchased at any Truck Tire store.

Active Stage 2

An Active is only slightly evolved beyond an Amoeba. This is still a lowly form of life that has only begun to find direction: An active will usually have:

  • The basics from stage 1
  • More beer (by now you will discovered how to carry beer on the river)
  • Hot girlfriend in a small Bikini (offering for stage 4)
  • Tent
  • Sleeping bag
  • Cooler for beer with Ice
  • Water
  • Food
  • Toilet paper
  • Toothpaste & hygiene products

Alumni Stage 3

An Alumnus has proven his worth for years and is the most advanced form of the Kerngod. They should always be first down the river and respected like gods!

  • The basics from stage 1 & 2
  • A large variety of hard alcohol (easier to transport down the river in Bota Bags)
  • Air mattress
  • Table, stove, propane BBQ
  • Quarters to fill tube with air or air pump
  • Wetsuit
  • More advanced model of girlfriend or wife with cooking feature added

Old Creepy Guy stage 4

Still above active but the genes have been deteriorated by age and herbal refreshments. The old creepy guy is the final form that a Kerngod evolves into before death.

  • Only the basics in stage 1
  • Money for the room at Johnny McNally’s
  • Video equipment to record “active” hot young girlfriend shaving bikini line
  • Bottle opener for beer

SEE YOU THERE!